Let's Change This

A poem and personal reflection on processing the effects of a damaging relationship.

Emotional manipulation is testing my patience
As it keeps on recurring in people’s relations
It starts with a innocent remark, some say the initial spark
As your partner claims their utter unworthiness and you reassure them of their “manliness”
Then it soon escalates,
As they comment snidely about your mates, boys, girls, past dates.
Suddenly you are told to cover up, take off that make up and grow up
Because you are to blame, for his ‘friends’’ nicknames that are aimed to shame you.
You're a hottie
Complete T.H.O.T
Luv, can ya not?
Cover up because that's what he wants, cover up because you are his to flaunt
After all his is that voice that haunts every thought...
You only hear your breathing as you sit there, in and out, the post war silence of nightmares, In and out, the flush of awkwardness swarms the air, in and out, like all the time and care,
In and in, and in some more
Because you give and give to be treated so poor
But you don't pout, because it will be questions galore
Until those questions bore you right off your chair,
Where you sit, wanting someone to cuddle on the stair
Someone to stroke with your hair,
Someone to play fair.
Instead it continues, the only form of contact are pissed glares.
Is this love or abuse, affection or misuse
Because next he is telling you
“You’re wrong,”
“You’re right,”
Waiting for the next fight.
Convinced there is an end in sight
Convinced you are going to leave,
Convinced that you have an evil deed up your sleeve,
And if you did, he has got off with countless,
But every time you answer that question
“Yes, I love you
The things you do,
They overrule the things you say,
The fun trips all expenses, I don’t pay.
Your company is emotionally expensive,
But you say every penny is worth its tears,
Its silences...
The mental challenges...
The verbal violence over my own body”
The body of somebody not somebody's
And that somebody is gorgeous in and out
You don't need him to shout that,
As if he allows it
Because you are gorgeous.
...And don't forget it.

- Anonymous